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Photo on 20-04-13 at 1.47 PM

The Wake-up Vibe is an alarm clock for your vagina. I’m not even being metaphorical. It’s an alarm clock you literally put on your vagina. Set the time, go to sleep, and wake up in the morning to vibrations in your underthings. It’s maybe the next best thing to waking up to someone actually (consensually) eating you out.

As a tragically ill-disciplined sleeper and insatiable vibrator enthusiast, I obviously bought the Wake-up Vibe. It was 10:57 in the morning when I first held it in my hands, and knew I must try it immediately. I set it for 11:00, positioned it (on my vagina), and waited. LO AND BEHOLD, three minutes later there was a stirring. Subtle at first, the vibrations became increasingly strong and desperate. True to its word, there it was: whirring away.

The Wake-up Vibe is quite exactly what the name suggests. AND MORE. It sits comfortably against you all through the night (and won’t slip off, I promise). Then it wakes you up at whatever hideous hour you set it to. It can also be used as a regular vibrator, with several speeds and rhythms and (almost) whatever else your heart or clitoris may desire. It also looks a bit like an iPod, but if it plays Lana Del Rey, I haven’t quite figured out how to do that yet.

It’s so great, and I want to love it so much and be best friends forever and spoon with it every night. But as great as it is, the Wake-Up Vibe is just ever-so-slightly feeble. Every-so-slightly. Maybe I’m too seriously involved with my hitachi or something, but I just feel like even though the vibrations are awesome, they’re also a tiny bit unsatisfying. My clitoris isn’t even being uncooperative; its heart is SO in it. I just think this toy might genuinely only be orgasmic for the most sensitive of clitorises (clitori?). For shame.

My advice is therefore to totally purchase the Wake-up Vibe, but to also put a hitachi under your pillow. The Wake-up Vibe will wake you up, 100% – but it sure will leave you frustrated over your porridge if you don’t complement it with something else vibrator-shaped or vibrate-y (a vibrator).

Other ingenious uses of the Wake-up Vibe I found on the internet include using it as a “sexual time bomb” (direct quote). This involves having a lover set the alarm for when they want to ravish you, leaving it against your clitoris, and waiting for the timer to go off. Hours, minutes, whatever. All at the discretion of your sadistic lover. Just a simple vagina alarm clock? THINK AGAIN.

If you’d like to wake up making soft pleasurable moans, go for it. If you often have violent sex dreams and you’d like them to (maybe) end with actual real life orgasms, this is the toy for you. If you’ve ever wanted a sexual time bomb in your panties, now’s the time.

But I just think we should all maybe wait for the hitachi edition. Can you even fucking imagine.

Michelle

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